I Lied

I lied.

Lied to myself
When I said he loved me.

Lied to the world
When I said I was happy.

Lied to my diary
When I said it was good.

Lied to my heart
When I said it was right.

Lied to my soul
When I said he was mine.

Lied to him too
When I said I loved him.

I lied.

Two Years Of Love

ONE

I hold my glass,
Sitting on the bench.

A review of the important things:
Lovers, conflicts, mistakes, regrets.

It’s summer solstice, the longest day.
Last year I had hope.

I lift my glass
And realise this is the low point.

TWO

I hold my glass,
Sitting on the bench.

A review of the important things:
Lovers, friends, success, satisfaction.

It’s summer solstice again.
Last year I had no hope.

I lift my glass
And realise that my life is good.

A New Chapter

Inspired by a scene from Coffee In Castillo

Back on the street side,
Into sunlight’s warm caress.
At once feeling unhurried,
Time to have coffee.

Round tables in a little café,
Hugging under bright umbrellas
That flap and fuss
In hazed summer breeze.

This Spanish afternoon
Is late, with empty chairs
Except one man.
She hadn’t noticed him.

Her eyes compelled.
Lifting a cup to drink
He moves, a subtle glance.
Does he see her?

Looking down she hides,
Demurely watches his hands.
One holds an open book,
The other finds a slim cigar.

He turns to face her,
Sunglasses lifted.
Intelligent eyes light
A well-tanned face.

He says hello.
Embarrassed gasp,
Her reply fumbles
An apology, brushed aside.

His smile disarms,
She sits with him.
Small talk starts
A new chapter.

She’s Beautiful

She’s beautiful
But he can’t see.

Soulful eyes,
Her face delight.
Honeyed voice
Of caramel.

Confident yet sensitive,
Knows her mind
And stands her ground.
I can see she’s beautiful.

He sees her eyes
But not her soul,
Hears her words
In monotone.

He’s brazen and insensitive,
Can’t know her mind
Or share her world.
Unfulfilled she waits.

He takes her when
He’s minded to,
Neglects her love
In days between.

She’s beautiful
But he can’t see.

Connected

I take his hand, pull him close,
Hug him, ask for more.

I’m feeling very huggy today,
I tell him and his eyes smile.

I have to go now, he says,
You can have lots of hugs later.

His hand slips from mine,
Yet we are still connected.

The Wind Blows

The wind blows over England.

Clouds, dark, threaten the land.
Rain falls, the people hide.

The wind blows over England.

Clouds part, tear open ragged blue.
Sun warms, the people smile.

The wind blows over my world.

Clouds, dark, threaten me.
Rain falls, miserable I hide.

The wind blows over my world.

Clouds part, tear open lighting me.
Love comes, I smile again.

I’m Going For A Walk, He Said

I’m going for a walk, he said.

The usual route? I asked.
I don’t know, but probably.
Thank you, see you soon.

What did he thank me for?
Sharing my home, a place for him,
A refuge when he’s lost.

He shares my home but not my bed,
Breaks away from my embrace.
I am the fool, I am the clown.

I guess he’s halfway round by now.
Walking through the woods,
Listing all my faults aloud.

Do I really want him back,
For loveless hugs and soulless chat?
Perhaps he won’t return this time.

I’m going for a walk, he said.

Rambling, twisted and tortuous thoughts,
painful to think, tough to read.

Image © 2018 Shona Silverman.

You’ll Come To Me

I need something to focus on,
In the future, not too long.
I dream of love, wait for the one
To keep me going, make me strong.

The precious years are passing me,
But I’m not wishing time away.
I live alone, no-one to see,
I could just book a holiday.

Imagine two weeks in the sun,
I’ll write it in my diary.
Beach and pool with night-time fun,
Perhaps by then you’ll come to me.

He Waits For Me

I watch TV, he waits for me.
I want to be back there.

I send a message on my phone,
I might be coming round.

I can’t be sure, I have to wait,
Is that ok with you?

Of course it is, he lies barefaced,
Come over when you can.

I hate to keep him holding on,
It’s such a silly game.

I wish the demons wouldn’t fight
A war waged in my head.

They tie me down with ropes unseen,
He must not see my shame.

I watch TV at night and wait
To go back there again.

A companion piece to Waiting For Him.

Waiting For Him

I watch TV and wait for him,
Maybe he’ll come tonight.

The actors move and speak in turn,
It’s clean and tidy, no mistakes.

A message on my phone tells me
He might be coming round.

He can’t be sure, he has to wait,
Is that ok with me?

Of course it is, I lie barefaced,
Come over when you can.

Real life is never clean and tidy,
No-one waits in turn.

It’s messy and confusing,
I am powerless in this game.

So I just watch TV at night
And wait for him to come.

A companion piece to He Waits For Me.

 

Time To Reflect

Allow yourself time to reflect,
A chance to review your world.

It doesn’t matter where you are,
Or who might be watching.

They cannot hear your thoughts,
Or perceive your desires.

No-one is a mind-reader,
Despite what they might wish.

On the train the world slips past,
It passes by your window.

Life is your journey,
A dream passing before your eyes.

Remember as you travel
The ones you love, the ones you lost.

Allow yourself a chance,
While there’s still time to reflect.

Your Perfect Lover

Imagine your perfect lover.

Let’s start with the basics, shall we?
Height first. Let me guess… taller than you.
Dark skin. Mmm, that’s always romantic.
Picture his body, make it as you like.

Now look up into his eyes.
Are they green, brown or blue?
You are the conjurer, creating your fantasy.
Colour his hair, hear his voice, smell his skin.

Your shopping list is complete.
Tonight he walks into your life.
Taller than you, dark skin, just like your dream.
You imagined this man and now he’s here.

Talk to him, watch him, feel him.
Now tell me, is he really what you want?
Doubt creeps in, the fantasy fades.
I think you forgot some things.

You never said he should be intelligent,
A practical man, caring and creative.
Confident, sensitive and considerate.
It’s time to start again.

Now imagine your perfect lover.

Affection Rejection

Affection rejection.
How I wish I could read his mind.
Why does he love me for a week
Then turn away, rejecting affection?

Daring caring.
I hug him and I pull him close,
Caress his shoulders, kiss his cheek.
To win him back I dare to care.

Passion ration.
If I could understand his ways,
Regain his trust, find what I seek.
Enough now of rationing passion.

Wear despair.
I lay myself out in front of him
He looks away, rejection bleak.
Dressed again, I am wearing despair.

Mourn forlorn.
I reason it’s his changing moods
But it’s my fault, I am too weak.
Forlorn of hope, I mourn.