You Don’t Get Lonely, Do You?

“You don’t get lonely, do you?” she asserts. I am dumbstruck, fumbling to put together a credible reply. She’s a close friend, we’ve known each other for years. Perhaps that’s the problem. I believed we knew each other well but she is simply wrong, so wrong. If she really believes what she is saying then she does not “know” me at all.

Of course I get lonely sometimes, we all do. So lonely it burns. That she can’t perceive this astonishes me, but then I ask myself why. Is it something in her, perhaps a lack of insight or empathy? Or is it me? Maybe I hide things well, even if I am not consciously aware of doing it. It makes some kind of sense to keep one’s innermost fears and secrets hidden behind a facade. We all have things that we feel shame about and we don’t like to be judged upon them.

There’s something else I must tell you about. Jealousy. There is something in her tone of voice that gives it away, a bitterness, a hint of resentment that colours her words. It’s as if she is saying “You don’t get lonely, do you? I do. It’s not fair.”

There’s no time to go off on an “it’s not fair” tangent. She’s still waiting for my reply. “I do get lonely sometimes,” I admit, “but I like to spend some time alone too.” It is the best that I can do. A pathetic little admission, followed up with an even more pitiful attempt to rationalise it.

Does she know me? Do I know me? I used to think so… now I’m not so sure.

Image © 2018 Shona Silverman.

Rain Of The Heart

Merciless drought, cruel, uncaring
Drying, dying, despairing

An unforeseen downpour of rain
Rescued from drought once again

Rescue will come with a start
Love is the rain of the heart

I hope you enjoy the many subtle connections made here.
Even I had to read through it several times to see them all – and I wrote it!
Shona.

His Heart Is Her Haven

She holds him at midnight.
Suffused in love,
Drifting into sleep.

Drifting into sleep,
Safe in the harbour
Of his protection.

The day is no longer young.
From a dream she awakes,
Nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed,
He’s still there.
His heart is her haven.

Valium And Vodka

She’s crying at midnight.
Sick with loss,
Crying for sleep.

Crying for sleep,
The only way out
Is valium and vodka.

The day is no longer young.
Sick with tears she awakes,
Nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed
And all that’s left
Is valium and vodka.

See The Little Things

I was washing the dishes. This time amongst the usual foamy confusion of bubbles there was something small yet special, a beautiful cluster of tiny bubbles arranged near-perfectly. In this moment I saw that it’s the unexpected little things that really matter.

Has your love ever sent you a message just to say that he still loves you, that he cares about you? Perhaps you’ve had a wordless message, his head briefly resting on your shoulder, his hair tickling your face. Such gestures might seem tiny, even insignificant. Don’t dismiss them, see the little things.

You Think It’s Over

You think it’s over
But you’re wrong.
Your eyes light up,
You are still strong.

Your brilliant mind
Is still alive.
Don’t waste your years,
Recall that drive.

I see your light
And know you’re strong.
You think it’s over
But you’re wrong.

 

With gratitude to my muse,  whose love and light sustain me.

Stars Of Lovingness

“To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive” – Robert Louis Stevenson.

It’s a oft-quoted mantra and it’s one that helps guide me, another facet of the journey versus destination concept that I explored in Live The Journey.

Journey. What does the word bring to mind? A road trip, an ocean voyage, a long flight? That seems reasonable enough. These are the real-life journeys that you make. You plan the trip, buy tickets, book hotels. You can feel these journeys – smell the burning fuel, hear the engines, rock to the vibrations. The world passes by your window, scenery changes.

What about the other journeys that you make, the ones that exist fleetingly in your head when you daydream? Fantasy journeys, unbounded by borders. Guided by your imagination you travel in hope, seeking and finding. In these amazing journeys you can go wherever you like. You pass through a stargate into another world, a place where you are master. Here the stars shine at your calling. Night or day, rain or sun, it’s your choice.

Your fantasies may seem futile, little more than a forlorn attempt to escape your world and find a better place. They should not be dismissed so lightly. If you cannot envision what you really want then how can you ever hope to reach that place? Don’t be afraid to dream your journey. To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.

“Stars Of Lovingness” lyric quoted from White Queen (As It Began), Brian May 1974

 

 

Live The Journey

Nothing is perfect, nothing is complete, nothing lasts forever. That’s what I’ve been told. So why do we squander so much of our lives searching for precisely these things? Is it something primeval, seated deep within out human spirit, that drives us on relentlessly? We seek perfection and completeness in our romantic lives, always hoping that we’ll find “the one” and it will last… forever.

A friend called me a couple of days ago. “I’ve been married for a third of my life,” she lamented, “and it’s all been for nothing.” Was it for nothing? There were good times, many of them. There was love and laughter, caring and companionship. It didn’t last forever. Like I said, nothing does. But it was lovely at the time, the years filled with joy and happiness. No, it was not for nothing.

Life is a journey. That’s a very tired cliché and it should have been retired long ago. The trouble is, it’s true! Don’t spend your hours lamenting what has passed. Remember those times for what they really were – spent happily with someone you loved, doing what you both wanted to do right then, in the moment. As we drive on down the road of life, things will change. You will win, then you will lose. Now you must keep going and discover what is waiting for you around the next corner.

Anticipate the destination… but live the journey.

Photo: Road between Plumtree and Clipston, England. Copyright © S Silverman 2018.

Your Love Story

You’re looking for someone
Who sees within,
Doesn’t care about your past
Or how thin you wish you were.

Love doesn’t care about those things.
It sees within,
Finds dreams in your eyes
And feels the warmth of your skin.

This Is My Rose

This is my rose.
Last week it wasn’t there. Last month the bush was bare.

This is my world.
Last week I danced in the rain. Last month was filled with pain.

This is my heart.
I could give it to you. Would you remain true?

 

I Wish…

I wish… If only…

How many times a day do you wish for something? Like so many things in life, there are good days and bad. On a really good day your desires are fulfilled effortlessly. It’s so easy that it’s almost a magical experience. So much for the good days, then. They are just as you’d hope, beautiful. Nothing to see here, nothing to fix. Let’s move on.

I want to talk about the rest of your life. All those bad days when nothing seems to go right, no matter how hard you try. Painful, isn’t it? Those are the days when you simply can’t do it alone, and those are the days when you wish.

I wish… I hadn’t said that.
Of course you do. It happens to all of us. In the heat of the moment or an outburst of anger you said something that you didn’t mean. The heat cools, the anger dissipates but the words have still been said. I’ve pre-ordered a time machine but guess what? It still hasn’t been dispatched! So we can’t go back in time and un-say those words. Call him now. Say you didn’t mean what you said. Tell him how much you love him. Time-travel may not be possible but you can still move forward.

I wish… I had a friend.
Ok, so you do have friends but they aren’t interested in your struggles. Or maybe you don’t want to bother them. After all, they’ve got better things to do, more important issues to worry about. They wouldn’t want to listen to you, right? Um, no. Wrong. They do care and they are interested. Look through your contacts right now. Pick one out. Call her now. Talk.

I wish… I had a lover.
Right now you’re single. This hurts too much, you need to fix the pain and you wish you could do it right now, today. There’s no quick fix for this one, I’m sorry to say. It takes time and effort. But you must not despair. You’ve loved before, once, twice, maybe three times. That’s a hard fact and it proves that you can do it again, too. So take heart and take the first step in your new journey into love now. Call him, message him. Set sail on your quest today. May your voyage be thrilling… and ultimately fulfilling.

Shona x

 

Night Dreams

Have you seen the wonders
Of night dreams?

Where time slips
And faces change.
He looks for you
And no-one else.

Evening blends to night,
He takes you home.
Lips press on yours,
You can’t resist.

Surrender to his bed,
Roses on the walls.
He reaches out,
You lift your dress.

Strong arms encircle,
You fall spellbound
And feel him fill you,
Move inside.

Have you seen the wonders
Of night dreams?

Dream it, live it, love it. Tonight.
Shona x

Remember The Good Times

Remember the good times.

He came to haunt this morning
And I cried for all the pain.
The fall-outs and fights,
Lies and deceits.

He loved me a lot.
I kept all his gifts,
Not just jewellery and clothes
But memories too.

Laughing as one in strange countries,
Cicadas by the window as we slept.
Creating precious children
Whose voices I still hear.

Remember the good times.

 

 

Don’t Give Up

How many times must you fail before you give up?

Of course that’s a silly question without any context. Give up what, exactly? It makes all the difference. If you were searching for a missing ball-point pen, or maybe trying to catch a spider in your living-room, then it might be quite reasonable to give up after a couple of attempts. A lost pen or a harmless spider doesn’t matter very much, does it? When you take a broad view, these things are quite trivial and soon forgotten.

Some things in life really do matter. A lot. Consider all the romantic connections you’ve had in your life. Now we’re are talking about something that is important to most people and I think I’d be safe enough in guessing that you feel the same. Think back. You had teenage flings of course. This was just the starting point, training at the Love Boot Camp and intensively developing your skills. The love you felt in your twenties was something different. Profoundly deep, compelling, overwhelming. So powerful that you married him.

Nearly half of marriages end within 15 years. Ok, so there’s more than one way to measure divorce rates but I don’t wish to get bogged down in such debates. Let’s just agree that divorce is a thing and it happens a lot. For better or for worse, never mind for richer or for poorer, marriage simply isn’t what it used to be.

lonely man ocean-2787669_1920 smlSo what comes after your divorce? Is it time to give up now? That’s the easy option but it’s far from satisfying. Envisage the lonely years that would stretch ahead of you. Instead of throwing in the towel, it’s time to start dating again. Argh, it’s so much more difficult now! Where have all the good men gone?

Despite the challenges, you do go on a few dates. Romances develop, they blossom for a little while but soon wilt. Back to square one, again and again. Failure upon failure. The months go by, hope is displaced by despair. Now you really do feel like giving up.

friends people-2561065_1920 smlA friend called me last night and I told her everything. I told her about the lost love, the hope and the despair. I told her that I just didn’t have the energy to keep on trying. I was fed up, jaded. Enough was enough. “Don’t give up,” she said softly. Good advice from a wise friend.

Unlike a cheap ball-point pen, you can’t nip out and buy another lover. And without that lover, you’ll just have to have another go at catching the spider yourself. No-one said it would be easy. Just don’t give up.

Should he take the red pill?

I stumbled upon something recently. I have to admit that I had never heard of it before. Curiosity piqued, I found myself reading a forum called The Red Pill. Wow, what an eye-opener! It turns out that there’s a well-established men’s movement whose primary objectives appear twofold.

Objective number one: men are to treat females as an homogeneous commodity with which a formulaic game must be played in order to ensnare them and use their bodies.

Objective number two: men must analyse, delegitimise, devalue, disparage and discredit females. This applies to how they look, everything they say and all that they do.

Of course there is much more to it than this and I have simplified things, reducing them to the basic tenets.  As far as I can see, it’s a reasonable summary all the same.

So, what is the red pill? The concept originates in the sci-fi movie The Matrix, in which a choice between red and blue pills is offered. Taking the blue pill means you stay as you are, oblivious to reality. The red pill wakes you up so that you can finally see the truth in everything around you.

You might think that a man who claims to have taken the red pill would surely be a better person for it. Nope. Red-pilled men are expected to be cold, calculating, heartless game-players with a bitterness bordering upon hatred for females, incongruously coupled with automatic entitlement to unlimited no-strings sex. There’s more: it seems that taking the red pill qualifies these men as desirable “alpha males”. Naturally this leads to disdain for all other men, the blue pill “beta” ones left behind.

The red pill has no room for compassion, it places no value in companionship. Love? Forget it!

Are all women really the same? Must men play a deceitful game in order to satisfy their needs? Does every woman prefer an alpha male? No, no and no again.

Loneliness

The hours come first.
Pretending I will heal
Today or tomorrow.
Wounding loneliness.

Days add up.
Seven make a week.
A week alone.
Bitter loneliness.

Weeks pile upon weeks.
Four weeks more
Is another month.
Crushing loneliness.

Months are fragments.
The jigsaw of time
That forms my years.
Burning loneliness.

 

Please don’t let loneliness win. Go out, meet people, make friends.
Yes, it’s hard. Sure, you have no energy and I know it didn’t work out last time you tried.
It’s still not too late. Do it now. This time it will be different.

Above all, be kind to yourself.

Shona x

The Bizarre Theatre Of Your Dreams

Dreams, the playground of grotesque fantasy. Distorted reflections of your life mirrored in a troubled, stormy ocean. A theatre filled with players that shift, meld and fade. Mingled voices speaking in tongues. You can’t hear their words but still you feel their minds.

Dreams, packed with imperative, reminders of all the things that you have yet to do. Journeys you must make, relationships to heal, broken things that need mending, voids in your life still unfilled.

In dreams, loved ones come to talk to you. A parent that lives on only in your heart comes to comfort you, a lover from the distant past touches your face, friends you can barely identify arrive to heighten the chaos. Sometimes disturbing, occasionally consoling, the ensemble changes as the drama plays out. Time is fluid. Minutes, hours, even years mean nothing.

The backdrop of this theatre is bizarre. Distortions of places that you barely remember or have never even been. Perhaps the house you lived in when you were just a child, a street in a city you have never known, your church or synagogue populated by characters you are sure would never be seen there.

Dreams, half-crazy, surreal, disturbing. Do they seem pointless, no more than absurd distractions sent to cause fleeting distress? Are they no more than discarded snippets of indie cinema, ill-conceived and worthless mind-art produced by some misguided director? Or are they trailers for a compelling movie that you must not miss?

When you wake tomorrow, don’t try to shake off the shreds of your dreams. Hold on to those movie snippets for a moment. Make it your quest to remember your loved ones, to heal relationships and re-connect with friends.

You have the power to take control of your waking hours and you can start right now. Fill the voids in your life, one by one. Seek a little more contentment each day, make your waking world a better place to be. Sail away from the troubled ocean, see your life reflected in calmer waters.

Love: The Secret Ingredients

You have to make the best of what you’ve got.

I’ve just been making chicken stew and that sounds weird. Why would I make that? Because I had chicken, of course! I also had lots of vegetables, some garlic and a pinch of inspiration. So I’m looking forward to a delicious meal tonight and it will be all the more delightful because I know that I’ve used what I had to hand and wasted nothing. It was easy and quick, too.

We can waste even more of our time, energy and indeed money on people and relationships than we do on food. Just think of all those hours you’ve spent online or maybe in bars or some place like that, searching for the perfect mate. With just a touch of chutzpah I’m going to guess that you’ve invested a lot of resources in those efforts.

Did you find that hot and tasty special someone? I hope you did, but if not then may I suggest something? Take a few moments to reflect on all the people you already know, the ones you see at the office or maybe at your church or synagogue. How well do you really know them? Have you given them a chance to come into your life?

Perhaps it’s time to give Tinder a break and take another a look at the special ingredients that you already have.